WARNING: THIS BLOG IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. Do not read if you are faint of heart, squeamish, or prone to nausea.
A good friend came to visit these last two days. Recently, whenever I’m around my girlfriends, the conversation will inevitably turn to babies.
My friends are a particular sub-set of women: we are first-born, over-achievers who’s parents told us we could do anything. No one mentioned having a family. We were supposed to make good grades, get a good job, and make our mark on the world. The result has been smart successful women who know as much about kids and childbearing as the average man.
Suddenly, people are talking to us about babies. Huh? Weird Idea. Nobody’s mentioned that before. How does it work? WHAT?
We’ve got no information. We understand higher education, professional dress, and the importance of a good resume, but we failed to get any information at all on childbirth, breastfeeding and the like. We skipped home ec to take physics and calculus, and now we’re in the dark. Now that people are expecting us to have children of our own (like we haven’t done enough) we feel a distinct need to micro-manage this situation–we need facts and lot of them. Only problem? Child birth and it’s aftermath sound frightening.
So, today I’m asking for a little reader participation from those of you with the info. Currently I’m getting all the good stuff from Mr. K.; he’s got two kids and he knows it all. Frankly, I think it’s pathetic that’s I’m getting information on this stuff from a 27 year-old man, but I’ve got no room to be picky. So here are the burning questions we all want to know. You may want to stop reading if you’re squeamish, I’m not holding anything back.
- The mucus plug—sounds like a giant booger. Is it green? White? What? Who the hell thought calling it a mucus plug was a good idea? Does it fall out on the floor in a giant glop, or is it more like an oozing slime ball that seeps out?
- Did you (or your wife) “poop” on the table while giving birth? Did you see it? Did it smell? Was it distracting? Does the baby get poop on it when it comes out? This seems just plain wrong, but somebody’s got to tell us.
- How much weight did you gain? Really? Does everyone look freakishly puffy the two weeks before they give birth? You know, like they were stung by a bee? Did the weight ever come off or are you still carrying it around like a noose?
- Did you let your significant other watch? (or did you watch)? Does squeezing a kid out of your hoo-ha make you feel less sexy? Do you feel permanently like a person ravaged by mother nature? Is it possible to have a normal sex life after the person you love saw you stretched out like that? Or are they just obligated to have sex with you since they’re the ones that did that to you in first place?
- Why do people have kids? They cost money, ruin your body, and keep you up with nights of endless worry. Is it worth it? People always complain about having kids, but rarely talk about the joys. Is that an assumed thing, or is it hard to vocalize? Or is it not that great? Do tell—in detail.
Finally: Please do not say–"having kids changes everything" I know that! Tell me something I don’t know. Help me out people—I’m hoping for some good comments on this one