And now for something completely different.

What she wore: olive green cuffed shorts a la Jennifer Aniston’s appearance on David Letterman, white tank top with lace trim around the sleeves and neck line, brown flat sandals.  I would have worn the shorts with heels, but I don’t think Arkansas is ready for that.

 

WARNING WARNING WARNING!  THIS BLOG WILL BE DISGUSTING

 

Ok, this is a reader participation thing, so you guys better not leave me hanging.  You MUST respond—I implore you.

 

Here’s the scenario: You’re in the bathroom. You use the facilities.  You go number one and number two (you know what I’m talking about).  After relieving yourself (there are so many great ways to put these things) you realize that there is no toilet paper on the roll.  You are alone in the house, and the only available roll is on the other side of the house.

 

WHAT DO YOU DO?

 

You can run across the house with your pants down.

You can pull up your pants and run across the house.

You could dig in the trash to find something to wipe yourself with.

 

I know what I what I would do—the question is, what would YOU do? 

 

KM

 

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About takedeux

In one summer I had a baby who was hospitalized for five weeks, quit my job, and moved back to my hometown. This blog is about starting over.
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53 Responses to And now for something completely different.

  1. Adriane says:

    Hop in the shower!
    No running anywhere.  No dirty laundry. 
    Teehee

  2. Karla says:

    EEUUWWW. So I have never actually had this particular problem. I have had the problem where I went #1 and there was no toilet paper. In that case I would drip dry as best as possible and run naked to get the toilet roll. I don\’t know about #2 though. Guess I would probably go with the shower suggestion. What brought this topic up?

    Although looking just like you is pretty fabulous, if you wish then when you and the Hub strike it rich and famous- cause you turn into some famous author (a la JK Rowling) or something or other- you can hire me to be your personal assistant (a la Cacee from the Newlyweds). I will do your makeup everyday (and maybe even learn how to do curly hair). Then you can have me in the same city and I could do makeup for a living and you could match-make to your heart\’s content. Haha… how long would it take for us to drive each other crazy?

  3. Betsy says:

    Through the house with the pants down….luckily it is only across the hall.  But what if you discover hubby put the last roll of toilet paper on the roll and never put it on the shopping list???

  4. Unknown says:

    I would do none of the above, because in ALL of my bathrooms, I also keep a nice, FULL box of Kleenex.  I would just use Kleenex.  But, you\’re probably thinking that I cheated with my answer, so if I HAVE to pick, (and this is provided there are absolutely NO witnesses) I guess I would walk carefully, sans pants to the nearest, full toilet paper roll.  I mean really, what can ya do?

  5. Karla says:

    Hmmm… so E and Cat have started commenting on your page… very interesting. Actually, KBG wrote me today with a comment about the diet since she is going on a similar one for her upcoming bridesmaid duty. I didn\’t even realize she had been reading my blog.

  6. Cheryl says:

    Run across the house with my pants down and it does not matter who sees me…

  7. Karla says:

    Yes. Cause then I got a comment too on my mind over matter blog. She forgot to write her name but I know it was her. Check it out. Haha

  8. barnyardmama says:

    I\’m sorry but diet coke (number four, but I mixed in some caffeine free) just snorted out of my nose because I\’ve been laughing so hard–apparently Karla and I\’s friends have found our blogs.  They weren\’t a secret or anything, but I didn\’t think they were reading.  BUT I know my old college roommate when I see her and she would always have Kleenex in her bathroom.  She also dusts the tops of cabinets. 

  9. Unknown says:

    Ms. b1tch is blinking. blinking.
     
    ms. B1tch does not produce number two, for she is pure and sweet at all times….ha.
     
    (ms. b1tch is giggling now – for she imagines herself with pants around ankles fumbling for the tissues in the bathroom closet, thinking eyew eyew)

  10. Unknown says:

    I didn\’t mean to be anonymous on Karla\’s blog; I just forgot to put my name…sorry!

  11. Unknown says:

    And, of course I dust the tops of cabinets–what if Shaq (or my mother on stilts) stops by for dinner!  They might see up there!!

  12. barnyardmama says:

    @E–I would, of course, never look for your fat bits.  But that\’s because I\’m mesmerized by your sweet, sweet a$$.  That was a joke.
     

  13. Kathryn says:

    the comment "better not leave me hanging" just makes me laugh more …heeheehehhe *grin*

  14. Karla says:

    TOOO FUNNY. (E- I knew it was you and I figured you had forgotten to put your name. Although it cracks me up, that this of all blogs would prompt you to comment.) I wish some of E\’s neat freakiness would rub off on me. Ok- that kind of sort of sounded dirty…

  15. Sheryl-Ann says:

    I would definitely run across the house with my pants down (laugh)!  Options 2 and 3 are definitely out for me.  What in the world made you think of that, KM (smile)?

  16. KEL says:

    That is so gross…It really amazes me how something so "natural" can be so absolutely horrifying in its own right!  I guess though IF I had to choose I would go to the other side of the house (pants off-no one else near the house) and get the toilet paper.  Ewe Ewe Ewe…
    ~K

  17. Unknown says:

    I keep a full stock of T.P. under the cabinet in the bathroom..its the only one in the house so if we are out..god forbid I was uninformed about it, there would be more issue than what I would do. If I have to choose from the list, assuming I have another bathroom fully stocked with T.P., I would make a dash for it followed by several sticky notes in the bathroom stating that if you can\’t REPLACE the roll you can\’t USE it. I think that might solve the problem.

  18. Unknown says:

    Couldn\’t, wouldn\’t possibly ever happen in my house! Yeah right!!  Probably the 2nd answer for me!  Then whoever forgot to replace the roll would get my wrath!
     
    ~Ashlie

  19. Toni says:

    I have a pair of those shorts–and i have worn them with heels! i LOVE them! i actually wore them today…except with a black tank top. so we can\’t be total twinsies. your entry really really was disgusting. i don\’t think i\’ll actually say what i would do…i\’m still thinking about it…actually i\’d probably wait until somebody came home sitting on the toilet wondering what to do…geez you really know how to make a person think…~toni

  20. Laura says:

    Depending on what is in the trash… sometimes I use TP to wipe eye make-up, etc… so if it isn\’t gross, I would do that. See, my dilema is this: there is only one bathroom in my apartment… so if I ran out in that bathroom, I am shit out of luck… ha ha ha
     
    oh, and I have lumpy tissue too (boobs) I have a handful of cysts in both, so I am a lucky gal…

  21. CJ says:

    You are always more than welcome to come over.  Wear shoes you can easily kick off, my house is cozy and you can put your feet up.  I only use dating as an excuse for clothes shopping and since I just returned with some exciting bounty I\’m going to go try it all on.   Thanks for popping in!

  22. Laura says:

    …and I had to catch up on the past two blogs I missed…
    hmm… diet coke addiction? Well, I only drink caffine-free drinks (for the lumpy tissue..  I was told it helps with tenderness).
    And as far as your plans for kids… good luck!
    I feel the same way when I read the cons list about not having kids, but I don\’t have any of the same feelings about wanting to have kids.
    Go figure 🙂 I agree with you. If it was meant to happen, it will.

  23. CJ says:

    Okay, so if you go number 2, is it solid or not so solid….cause really that would define how I would answer this question!  Oh crap…and that was even worse than YOUR original question (face flaming, sneaking quietly out!)  Put me down for the first answer.

  24. Julie says:

    I once had to use coffee filters.  They chafe, I don\’t really recommend using them for anything but making coffee.  In any case, I\’d run through the house with my pants down.  I do that all the time anyway. 

  25. K says:

    OK…. well here\’s my theory… if doing #1… drip dry – which can take a while… but meh… I\’ve got time, if #2… run through my apt with my pants down… and since my apt is small – I don\’t have to run that far!!! 
     
    I had a similar question posed to me but it was in a public rest room and the other option was to sneak into the opposite sexes rest room… LOL…
     
    Hope all is well with you…
    Ciao bella,
    KC

  26. Julie says:

    Yeah.  Japanese people are usually much more reserved – especially in public.  But it was late, he was drunk, and I think it really hurt when I rammed him with my bike.  Kind of extenuating circumstance. 
     
    And yes, the bike was stolen.  But I\’m pretty sure it was a stolen abandoned bike.  It was really crappy.  I should post a story about Derek.  He was this giant Canadian man.  His eyes were too close together…He was kind of like godzilla with ADD.  Something not quite right about that guy.  Anyway, he\’s the one who stole it for me. 

  27. Sue says:

    Definitely run across the house with pants down desperately looking for the spot Blondie hid the toilet paper!
    : ) Sue

  28. Laura says:

    food? well… it will be outdoors with mimosas and breakfast-y foods like quiche.
    theme? well, she is a southern belle, so would love to see pearls and big floppy hats… but realistically I am going for a garden theme
    time? September 9th
     
    as far as my cultural diversity class… I am into it, but not into the work 🙂 so unless you are interested in doing a research paper on my family history….  🙂 j/k. I am one of about 5 white people in a class of 30… so… I think I will learn a lot about people this term!

  29. Antonella says:

    I guess it would have to depend on how long it will be before someone will come home, I mean, I could wait a little bit. BUt if I knew no one would be home for a while, I guess I\’d have to go with the pants down option. I mean, I wouldn\’t want to get poop on my pants!
     
    About having kids, I\’m sure you\’d be a great mom, you\’ll know when you\’re ready.
     
    Antonella

  30. Sue says:

    LOL!!  I hear ya!  Blondie is now going through my posts and leaving her comments!  Like anyone is going to see them now.  Pfft!  Let er write em.  haha.  I\’m wondering now how many of her friends are now reading my blog.  Maybe I should talk about them and see if they comment or yell at my daughter, who will in turn leave a comment.  LOL!  This could be a fun game.  (pain pills are kicking in again.  I can tell by my comments here.  Yikes!  Better stop before I make an ass out of myself somewhere).
    : ) Sue

  31. Karen says:

    The pants-down dash to the nearest tp would definitely be my choice (now that I\’ve stopped laughing long enough to type)!

  32. Nooner™ says:

    KM,
    Whew .. I\’m off the hook for being the only one with disgusting blogs ..lol.
    lol @ "better not leave me hanging" … Hanging what? .. lol .. Isn\’t it something how we sometimes type a few words and not realize til later that it is pretty funny?
    What I would truly do is hop right in the shower. I take "half showers" all the time.
    Given the choices, I guess I would pull the pants up and dash to the other bathroom. I\’d much rather wash clothes, then clean the carpeting .. lol.
    May I copy and paste one of the last two shoe pics to add to my Pedi Photo Album pleasseeeee?
    Arkansas may not be ready for the cuffed shorts and heels, but we are!! Put em on and get a picture in here!  I dare ya .. lol.
    ~Nooner!
     

  33. Jo says:

    I Love it!!!!!! Thank God I have other people\’s blogs to get me going for the day ahead!!!!!
    It\’s happened to me and I am now prepared in my bathroom with cotton balls and q-tips and tissues on the back of the tank! I\’m going to have to say I\’ve done 2 of those. I\’ve run across the house and pulled up the pants! I\’ve also grabbed a feminine product, pulled up the pants and ran across the house! Any port in a storm? LOL

  34. Tracy says:

    Hahahaha too funny. I would run across the house with my pants down!!  I am not even going to ask you what the inspiration for this entry was, LOL!!

  35. Dawn says:

    ewewwwwweee….this is just wrong….well I mean we\’ve probably all been faced with some sort of similar dilemma but discussing it….these are my kind of people….hee hee…
     
    I\’d run pants down to the other bathroom…..yikes.!

  36. Stacy says:

    I choose Option #4 – I pull up my hair and jump in the shower. After my shower I throw the wash cloth away.  Then proceed to the nearest store and buy a case of toilet paper.  This happened to me once and since then I have a roll secretly hidden in my bathroom where hubby and kids do not know where to find it.  That way I am sure I am never caught in that situation again.
    -S.

  37. Unknown says:

    I keep the TP in the linen closet which is right outside the bathroom door in the hallway.  So…if that did happen, and I needed to run out with my pants down, I wouldn\’t have to go very far. 
     
    However…here\’s a story for you….as you know I teach music lessons.  This incident happened when we lived in St Louis, about 2 1/2 years ago.
     
    One day I had this little 9 year old boy at his piano lesson.  He decides, right in the middle of the song he\’s playing, that he has to use the bathroom.  Ok, go ahead, but hurry up.  He\’s in there for a good 5 minutes when I knock on the door to see if he\’s ok.  Yep, he says he is…so I go sit back down by the Piano (the bathroom was just across the hall from the living room).  All of a sudden this child comes walking out with his pants down around his ankles and his hands covering up his you-know-what.  He says "Ms. Carrie, you\’re out of toilet paper"  Oooooh no I\’m not, there\’s some more right in here…oh CRAP I\’m out of toilet paper. 
     
    Luckily, my sister in law lived 3 houses down.  I called her for an emergency roll and everything was fine.  However, we didn\’t get much accomplished that day.
     
    God bless : )

  38. Unknown says:

    Haaaaaaaa!  I\’m not tellin\’!

  39. Unknown says:

    Well at least I lauged for the day.  lol

  40. Sandy says:

    Run across the house – pants off! I would be pantsless if I were at home by myself anyway.  Now being pantyless, that just depends. hehe. 
    Raven

  41. Sarah says:

    Definitely with pants off. Not just down, but off (think of the possible tripping etc. that could happen). You don\’t want to pull them up…depending on the kind of unders you wear it could be pretty bad! I always have a box of kleenexes on the back of the toilet because I have allergies, but they come in hand for other things too!

  42. Karla says:

    It\’s scary how much discussion you prompted with this blog. Seriously, what triggered this topic?!?!?
    Progress… kind of. YAY! I am petrified though that I am not going to make it through the weekend. That\’s what always seems to trip me up. I think it\’s all that down time and being at home all day. I\’m hoping the very slight begining sign of progress will keep me on track. As far as getting to the gym. I won\’t lie. It\’s been a struggle, but if I am going to make the effort with the diet ALL DAY LONG than I can probably manage to get my butt to the gym to at least do a measly 30 minutes of cardio . I think it helps that I have found a new machine that I love/hate. I never got the stairmaster, but this is so much cooler. It\’s like a treadmill but it\’s a rolling set of stairs and you determine the pace. It\’s so hard, but I keep doing it for the sheer challenge. And the coolest thing is at the end of the workout it tells you how many flights of stairs you have climbed!

  43. Unknown says:

    Home?  No question, of your 3 choices, I\’d run naked to the other toilet.  But I have lived long in a third world country where water is used and not paper, so assuming there was a tub or sink there, I might just go native.  I got over the \’ugh\’ factor on that one a long time ago.   In public restaurants (where this is WAY more likely to happen), neither the naked run nor the third world solution would really work (fun to think about though).  If I were alone  the john, I would probably try pulling up my outer pants only and waddling to the wastebasket (or the hand towel dispenser if that was not also empty) and grabbing used handwiping material.  if I were in a public place and someone else were present, well, either the old joke – "Hey buddy, have you got a dollar for 4 quarters?" or failing that – and I wouldn\’t admit this to a soul who knew me, but if i were in DIRE straits (this happened once when I was very young) I would carefully remove my undershorts, use them as paper, and then sneak them out and dump them in the wastebasket, and spend the rest of the day clean but commando…  More than you wanted to know? 

  44. Unknown says:

    what he wore: light blue dress shirt, open collar, dark grey flat front wool dress pants and black square toed lace ups. Plaid boxers.
     
    I\’d just run across the house naked  or out to the garage to fetch a roll.
     
    Here\’s a scenario:  You\’re in your hotel room at Whistler and you\’re alone, it\’s check out day and it\’s about 10 or 11 am.  You\’re sittiing around in your jeans, no boxers, and as guys will, you get a little randy and start playing with yourself.  You\’re sitting on the couch which faces towards the other end of the hotel room. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door, it opens and you hear "hooooouseekeeping",   Guy in hand, sitting on the couch….what do you do?

  45. Unknown says:

    definitely run across to another bathroom, for another TP roll, or a box of tissues…whatever was nearest!  too funny how many comments you\’ve gotten on this one!

  46. Mrsbrown2k1 says:

    Depending if anyone was home or not.  Lets say no one is home….I\’d take off my pant and run across the house to the toilet paper!  Along with the trill of trying to not get caught just incase someone comes home in the mean time.
     
    Tam in Texas

  47. Jaysey says:

    Where do you come up with this stuff?
    run across the house with your pants down

  48. Alicia says:

    Well this is not fair…you said you know what you would do, but you\’re not TELLING US???  I would run across the house!!!
     
    HUGS!!  🙂

  49. Jaysey says:

    Yeah…I definitely wanna know what YOU would do, Katy!

  50. Gary says:

    Guess I\’m in the minority here…I\’ve had to go with number 3 before, dig through the trash…yucky. i know, and that failing, pull up and run, and clean em\’ later..

  51. Becca says:

    Honestly, if it were me, in that situation, I would just grab a wash cloth, moisten it, wipe and then throw it in the washer with laundry and do a load..sorry, but had to use the pun! 🙂
     
    Becca

  52. Elizabeth says:

    I dig under the cupboard for some cotton balls.
    *cough*

  53. . says:

    That would never happen to me… because after it happened once … I ALWAYS check for enough T.P. BEFORE I do anything.
     
    Agree with DavidShag though about using water. Here in TZ – that is sometimes, no MOST times, the only thing that is available , but I carry TP in the car or ask for tissue or SOMETHING!
     
    There was once that I had serious food poisoning diarrhea and I was not really near so much civilisation .. well I ended up using a few sheets from my address book/notebook because that was the only thing I had in my purse. I have learned from that experience.
     
    aak

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