Mommy Mindtrap

What She Wore: Denim skirt, white tank top, olive green crocheted sweater, brown heels.  My digital camera has stopped working–I don’t know why, I’m working on it, but in the mean time, y’all will have to make due with found pictures.

My computer is being very stupid.  I am trying to Blog walk, but I get frustrated and give up.  I’ll be around EVENTUALLY.
My friend with the plan is having some issues. She’s been on track for years: college, grad school, wedding for 300, house complete with antiques and monogrammed pillows, and now, a baby.  But now she’s feeling a little empty.  It seems that when the checklist is finished, there’s a space at the end, and she doesn’t know what do with it

From what I can tell, her mindset is this: I can’t have fun—I have a family.  No more weekends with the girls for me—I’m a mommy.  It’s as if a year of weight, length, nursery colors, name picking, diaper-changing, and nanny selecting have left a void where her personality should go.  She always makes the RIGHT decision, and does the RIGHT thing—she never spends too much money or disappoints her mother.   

Can you feel bad for someone in a state of self-induced loneliness?

The rest of us have slogged it out at a slower pace–our dreams less focused, more vague.  Success sounds good—now how to go about it?  Distractions pulling us in different directions.  It’s not like we haven’t done anything—one friend is about to finish her PhD, one finished law school, another did some soul-searching and embarked on career number two.  I’ve been. . . well, let’s face it, I’ve been throwing dinner parties and buying way too many shoes.  And teaching.  Can’t forget about teaching.  We’ve been busy, but not with the same relentless drive.    

For most of her life, this friend of mine has heeded the advice she’s been given. . .and now that she has it all. . . now what?  She says she wouldn’t trade her family.  She says that she wouldn’t change her daughter’s due date, but nobody’s asked her to, and I wonder where that idea comes from.

Now that she’s done pleasing everyone else—what about her?  I this what she wanted?

I don’t doubt that she wanted the house, the husband, and the baby, but I wonder. . .If she thought about it, would she have waited?  Would she have relished nights alone with her husband?  Gone on an exotic vacation?  Danced with her friends in a Nashville honky-tonk?  Why the rush?

God may or may not bless me with the family I imagine, but I do know this:

The years of not knowing have formed me into a more concrete human being.  Regardless of my label: wife, teacher, daughter, etc, I know who the person behind the label is.  That clarity of self wasn’t easy for me, but it’s real.  No matter what everyone else tells me I should be, I know what I AM.




About takedeux

In one summer I had a baby who was hospitalized for five weeks, quit my job, and moved back to my hometown. This blog is about starting over.
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26 Responses to Mommy Mindtrap

  1. Sandy says:

    Maybe she is having trouble with not knowing who she is.  Sounds like she has spent her life pleasing everyone else by doing what is expected of her.  She thought that she wanted that too, but now she may be realizing that it really was not.  Happens to the best of us sometimes.  Have you seen "Runaway Bride?"  That what this story reminds me of.  Hopfully it will not turn into a "War of the Roses" thing.

  2. Karla says:

    OMG! I have been working on a blog all day long. For some reason, this one in coming to me in bits and pieces. I will get it posted later tonight, but you are going to freak out when you see it. It is all about being me and knowing who I am . Same freakin\’ topic. Crazy!

    You are not going to hell, but I also hope she never comes across it and reads this.

    Nothing to tell. The random cute boys were friends of my neighbor, Kevin. I think they are all going to come out with us for my b-day though. Kevin already got off of work so he could come. I am soooo excited. Have I told you how much I freakin\’ love you guys!!! It is going to be so much fun. I may even get a keg (pony keg anyway).

  3. Sheryl-Ann says:

    Wow! While reading this, I became a tad bit sad for this friend of yours.  Too often we have a plan for our life which is not really OUR plan, but a plan that we have somehow accepted from our parents, for example.  We never take the time to find out who we really are and we go through life pleasing others or believing that the material things that we acquire in life will bring us happiness.  If we are lucky, we realize failry quickly that material things really doesn\’t bring us happiness and we move on to living a more fulfilling life, making time for our friends or others in general.  Some of us are not so lucky, and continue to chase after the wind, so to speak.  Your friend is in difficult, and sad, place.  She has achieved all that she set out to achieve and now what?  Ah, life is not simply about achievements – it is more about giving, loving, taking time out for others, etc.  That void that she is feeling, the lonliness, just proves that our life can be much more satisfying if we focus on the things that really matter, the intangibles, like true friendships.  I hope your friend does some introspection and realizes what life is really about……………..and I hope she never reads your blog (smile)!

  4. KEL says:

    Wow…sounds like your friend has followed the "plan" for a little too long.  Some times we get so focused that we fail to see everything along the way.  It sounds like she achieved everything that she wanted, but that she lost herself in the process.  Being a mother, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife, etc does not in anyway mean that she cannot just be a girl and have fun…all these other things in life just add to who we are as a person.  I think that it might take her a moment to find what to put in the "empty" slot on her list, but with a friend like you, she\’ll come out of it better for the wear.~K

  5. Darcy says:

    That clarity of self wasn’t easy for me, but it’s real.  No matter what everyone else tells me I should be, I know what I AM. ~ That was one of the best things I think I\’ve read in a long time!  That\’s fantastic and I\’m happy for you that you are so sure of who you are… it\’s a hard thing in this world….
    P.s.  It wasn\’t a \’Canadian Pride\’ celebration… it was GayPride in Vancouver and so we went to the Gay Pride Parade… my best friend is gay and his boyfriend was out of town, so I went in lieu

  6. K says:

    Seems like the \’ideal\’ life and yet it isn\’t all that the fairy tale was written to be…. People fall in love with an idea, never really getting to know whether or not that dream is really for them.  I have a friend like yours in a very similar situation… she had a plan and lived her plan but at the end of the day, she is depressed and lonly… she has nothing that is really HER… its been about this dream and oddly enough, she doesn\’t fit in to the dream she created for herself. 
    You have the right attitude… you know who you are and are living your truth.  Each time I stop living my truth, as simple or complicated as it may be, the moment I stray from myself… chaos ensues – mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally.  I continue to learn and try my best to pick up the pieces, get back on track and move forward.
    I hope for your friend that she will find her own truth and perhaps at the end of the day, it will match with her dream.  She needs to follow your example and get to know who she is …. for at the end of the day, the dream may all be taken away – and what are we left with but ourselves.  It would sure help to know who we are should that ever happen… god forbid.
    Another moment of introspection… excellent post…
    Ciao bella,

  7. Nooner™ says:

    If you "know what you are" then know this: You have support in what you like and believe in. I\’m a distant follower of yours. I like the person, and the beliefs of the person, that I have known as KM. You have people who don\’t agree with you, perhaps… and some that do. I\’m a supporter of what you feel, generally.

  8. K says:

    PS… I\’ve sent you an email as you requested… I am very much looking forward to hearing what you have to say!
    Ciao bella,

  9. Sue says:

    One thing I\’ve learned in my life is no matter how perfect someone life\’s seems, there is no such animal.  Think of how much she has missed rushing to do everything right away? Her life isn\’t over.  Her weekend or evenings with the girls is not over.  We did it.  We do it.  She needs to step back, relax, and try to enjoy what she has instead of always looking ahead at what perfect thing she needs to do next.  That will lead to an empty life IMHO.  I don\’t have a designer house, we\’ve not come close to accomplishing the goals we set for ourselves when we got married.  But dammit, we\’ve had a good time along the way.  Instead of spending time picking out carpet, nurseries, tiles, nannies, we threw the kids in the car and decided to head across the state to the Rockies for a few days of mountain air and hiking.  Or getting grandmas to babysit while he haul the motorcycles to Arkansas for a ride in the great country there. Those are the memories.  Unfortunately, my house is a hot mess in the eyes of my hotsy totsy neighbors, but do I care?  LOL!Do it on your terms girl.  Don\’t be pressured.  You and hubby live your life as it comes.  That will make it great.: ) Sue

  10. Me Mom says:

    Today was the first time to your space and I love it.  Very witty, insightful and entertaining!  I can relate a little to your previous blog.  My opinion of myself was always one of strength (mind you my opinion!) but sometimes the day to day can overtake you a little.  You get caught up in everyone else and what you are to everyone else and then you forget about you – it\’s an easy trap.  thank god for my friends!
    Take care

  11. Tracy says:

    Awesome entry, I love it!  I have noticed this about people too – some people get so wrapped up in wife/mother that they lose themselves. I notice it in my whole family too – when I went on the family vaca last year – even my brothers, I was like OK where did y\’all go, do something for YOURSELVES every once in awhile – after all a happy parent raises a happy child!  🙂  I think just like everything it\’s all about balance in life. 
    and by the way I love the mention of dancing in a Nashville honkytonk, lol!!

  12. Jo says:

    WOW! That\’s some powerful stuff. You actually hit the nail on the head for me! I am one of those women that has lost themselves. I am Mommy or Moo Moo as my daughter calls me, Wife, Ex-wife, Daughter-in-law, Friend, Secretary, and then Judge, Doctor, Taxi driver etc.  I have lost myself and it\’s my own fault. For me, it\’s the getting back to self that\’s the hard part. I have been there for everyone else for so long that when I take the time for myself I feel guilty, like I should be doing something else. I had my first child when I was 21. I didn\’t have a plan at all back then, and trying to gather up enough courage now to start one is scary.
    You are a bright, beautiful woman, inside and out from what I can read/see. You and your husband are lucky to know each other and support each other, you will be great parents no matter what!

  13. David says:

    This is one of the BEST posts I\’ve ever read, anywhere, from anyone, bar none…it\’s thoughtful, contemplative, soul-searching, and honest. A naked soul on display…and it captures how a lot of the rest of us feel…or hope to feel. Thanks so much…*tear*

    -David //BootJockey

  14. Courtney says:

    i just wanted to tell you that i absolutely love your blog… it is most amazing… this last blog was very thoughtful and makes me want to go blog now… i "followed the plan" but my question is, am i really happy?  yes and no… the blog address above is for my kitties to blog… i started a blog over a year ago (before i knew i could set one up thru msn) and if you\’re interested here is the address….   stop by if you get a chance…

  15. Andrea says:

    You are so right.  I think the flow of life is very important.  You need to use that nanny and set her down with a few good drinks and watch the Banger Sisters!  If you look at the sembolism(sp) of the "perfect wife and mother" ..  If you have not watched this you need to.  Now the girls I saw this with that had not given so much to others did not get it.  But for the other half it was like bamm in your face. 
    Watch this and let me know.

  16. Alicia says:

    This was a VERY well written entry, Katy.  You seem to TRULY know who you are and I admire that.
    HUGS!!  🙂

  17. Nadine says:

     I think she is doing just exactly what she wants to do….she is a planner and it is not planned for her not to succede!

  18. Karla says:

    BTW- I love the fact that you added the part about the Nashville honky-tonk…

  19. Unknown says:

    Yeah.  This is what scares me most about having a baby.  Deep down, I really don\’t think I\’d be ALL about the kids – well, you know what I mean – but I\’ve seen sooooo many of my friends and a couple family members lose themselves completely and become, above and beyond EVERYthing else, MOM.  Hey, it\’s a life changing event, I know that.  But ummmm….once I have a baby, I\’ll still have a husband (which, as a wife, I need to put that relationship first anyway).  And friends.  And my work.  And my hobbies.  And things I like to do for fun.  Things I like to do just for me.   I\’m not willing to give all that up just because I have a baby.  Sure, it will have to take a backseat at TIMES.  But to completely 100% give up who I am?  Nope.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.  Besides, what will that teach my child?
    Great blog, I guess it really got me thinking LOL
    God bless : )

  20. Michelle says:

    Very well written!  I hope your friend will learn to embrace what she has without looking back.  Regret is an incredible waste of energy and accomplishes nothing.

  21. Gina says:

    I\’m gonna let that marinate for awhile.  I think its a really important lesson and I wanna make sure it sinks in :o)

  22. Karla says:

    Just think, you\’ll be here in 2 weeks with E! YAY YAY YAY! Is the HUB coming? Remind him of my eggs benedict bribe.

    I have my blog from yesterday posted. It didn\’t turn out exactly how I wanted it. Somehow I couldn\’t get all my complicated thoughts on the subject totally out quite right. But it mostly worked. I may one day come back to the subject. By the way, I forgot to tell you, I got back in contact with an old friend who I was slightly infatuated with for like 2 years (senior year of HS and freshman yr of college). Turns out he is now married with 3 kids and a pastor. Can you imagined if I had ended up in that life? There was a time that I would have been thrilled with that life. Now? I can\’t imagine I would be the same person if I had. I for sure would have never found myself at LSU to the same extent and I have a feeling that what you described above would certainly have happened to me. Somehow I think having waited this long, I am too imprinted in me to ever really lose myself (if that make any sense). The closest I ever came was with Adam. I would have given up my happiness and a huge part of myself for his happiness and he would never have done the same in return. If that had turned out how I wanted and I had gotten my fairytale ending, not only would it have been disasterous but I would have been trapped for sure. Crazy, how life turns out, usually for the best… Ok, here ends my novel for the day.

  23. Unknown says:

    Hey just wanted to reply to the comment you left on my space. 
    It\’s hard to memorize Scripture.  I struggle with it too sometimes.  That sticky note trick you use is a good one.  I\’ve also been known to stick them on my bathroom mirror and on the kitchen cabinet doors. 
    And, speaking of husbands thinking you\’re crazy….I once took a wet-erase marker and wrote it on the back wall of the shower (where the water doesn\’t get to it).  I heard my husband get in the shower one day and exclaim "What the h*ll is this?"  LOL  Can\’t blame him, but I\’ve done far crazier things. 
    Have a great day!  God bless : )

  24. Laura says:

    very well put. I often wonder the same thing. But, each person has a different life laid out for them, and their choices build upon the choices they have always made for themselves to get them where they are now… does that make sense? Just because this may be how things are this moment, no telling what is around the corner. I try not to worry too much about all those details. You cannot perfectly plan out everything because life is dynamic and changing every second. I am wanting to move out of the country, but I am not going to shut out every other offer and choice that comes my way! Probably the reason I am not planning on having kids. If I have an oops baby, then I guess it was supposed to happen. I really hope your friend is getting what she wants out of life, and if she isn\’t, she is going to need to adjust!  

  25. CJ says:

    Now that we\’ve all been successfully collected like postage stamps,  has our face value gone up?  I want to know so I can use it as part of my dowry when I begin husband hunting.  LOL.  All that matters is knowing who/what you are.  The rest will fall into place on it\’s own. 

  26. Dennis says:

    My mother always said "The more we get, the more we want."  As usual, she was right.

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