What She Wore: Denim skirt, white tank top, olive green crocheted sweater, brown heels. My digital camera has stopped working–I don’t know why, I’m working on it, but in the mean time, y’all will have to make due with found pictures.
From what I can tell, her mindset is this: I can’t have fun—I have a family. No more weekends with the girls for me—I’m a mommy. It’s as if a year of weight, length, nursery colors, name picking, diaper-changing, and nanny selecting have left a void where her personality should go. She always makes the RIGHT decision, and does the RIGHT thing—she never spends too much money or disappoints her mother.
Can you feel bad for someone in a state of self-induced loneliness?
The rest of us have slogged it out at a slower pace–our dreams less focused, more vague. Success sounds good—now how to go about it? Distractions pulling us in different directions. It’s not like we haven’t done anything—one friend is about to finish her PhD, one finished law school, another did some soul-searching and embarked on career number two. I’ve been. . . well, let’s face it, I’ve been throwing dinner parties and buying way too many shoes. And teaching. Can’t forget about teaching. We’ve been busy, but not with the same relentless drive.
For most of her life, this friend of mine has heeded the advice she’s been given. . .and now that she has it all. . . now what? She says she wouldn’t trade her family. She says that she wouldn’t change her daughter’s due date, but nobody’s asked her to, and I wonder where that idea comes from.
Now that she’s done pleasing everyone else—what about her? I this what she wanted?
I don’t doubt that she wanted the house, the husband, and the baby, but I wonder. . .If she thought about it, would she have waited? Would she have relished nights alone with her husband? Gone on an exotic vacation? Danced with her friends in a Nashville honky-tonk? Why the rush?
God may or may not bless me with the family I imagine, but I do know this:
The years of not knowing have formed me into a more concrete human being. Regardless of my label: wife, teacher, daughter, etc, I know who the person behind the label is. That clarity of self wasn’t easy for me, but it’s real. No matter what everyone else tells me I should be, I know what I AM.