Letters Unwritten

What She Wore: blue jeans, navy blue sweat shirt, white t-shirt, navy blue tennis shoes. 

Dear _____________:
I write this after a sleepless night of composing it in my head. 
 
I feel somehow as if I failed you tonight.  Did you want to talk about it?  I have no idea.  K told me you filed the papers, so I guess it’s official.  Divorce.  Maybe you did want to talk about it, but there was no way that I could.  Perhaps I monopolized the conversation with boring baby stuff–I knew what I was doing, but there was no way I could get into the whole thing.  I would have started crying, and nothing ruins a party like crying.  Nothing. 
 
In so many ways, I am in mourning.  I am grieving over this situation.  No longer having the two of you together is like taking out a piece of myself and my history.  Although there is no logical way to explain this, the shedding of this relationship feels like the throwing off of me as well.  You never let me know what you were feeling or thinking.  You’ve shut me and everyone else out.  It’s as if your life from before is no longer good enough.  I know you are leaving your husband, but where does that leave the rest of us?  Where does that leave me?
 
Logically, I know you are protecting all of us from this, and I am thankful for that because there is no way I could possibly pick a side.  Even though I know that you need to talk to someone, I already feel way too deep into the middle.  I’m sure you have a litany of reasons why your marriage isn’t working, but I can’t listen to them.  Somehow I feel wrong knowing your thoughts an feelings when maybe he doesn’t.  How can I face him and talk to him?  What if I let something slip that you haven’t told him?  I just want to run and hide from it.  The clear solution would be to not speak to either of you, or to "pick sides."  Both options leave me feeling empty.  Dinners together, nights out drinking, always sharing a room on road trips. . .all of those things are over. 
 
Saying all of this is, in no way, an attempt to take away from what you’re going through.  To me, the single life is one scary-ass proposition after nine years with the same person.  The idea of dating alone fills me with dread.  I’ve lived alone when the Hub was away and coming home to an empty place night after night can be very lonely.  I know that you wouldn’t put yourself through this if you weren’t really unhappy in your current situation. Even so, I am sad for you that you no longer want to be married.  Really, really sad.  And I am so worried about the two of you.  Worried that this thing will damage you both.  Worried about the kind of emotional wreckage that is inevitabale in these cases.
 
Why can’t I say these things in person? Why do the thoughts keep me up at night, but I’m not able to pick up the phone and call?  I have no idea.   
 
All I can say is. . . I’m sorry.
 
KM
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About takedeux

In one summer I had a baby who was hospitalized for five weeks, quit my job, and moved back to my hometown. This blog is about starting over.
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24 Responses to Letters Unwritten

  1. Jaysey says:

    Sometimes you know people don\’t want to hear the truth–perhaps that\’s why the thoughts keep you up at night, but you keep them to yourself??  Just a thought.  Glad you\’re back.

  2. WINDOW LIVE says:

    I am gald your still posting.  I have been away due to my computer crashing Christmas Eve.  I hope you had a great Christmas.  Hang in there and I am sorry about your friends.

  3. Karla says:

    Life is semi-crazy. Went on my first date in AGES. Have loads left to pack. Avoiding the whole moving issue I think. Miss you.

  4. Kathleen says:

    Well I was doing a dorky happy dance that you are back to blogging, then I read this post and got teary-eyed.  Pretty evident that I am not taking my happy pills…  I am sorry for your friends and sorry for you too.  Divorce is like a pebble dropped in a puddle and the waves touch more than we realize.  I hope the positives in your life, outweigh the negatives in 2007.
    Kathleen

  5. Tracy says:

    Oh no, my heart sank when I read this. The poor K\’s.  As someone just getting out of the whole D-mess, I feel for them.  It\’s not fun, and I hate that you\’re kinda in the middle.  Hopefully you can maneuver thru it OK without feeling like you are picking sides.  Maybe just do more listening than talking?  I still can\’t get over how, one day people are together and the next they are not, even having been through it, it\’s just so strange to me! 

  6. Sarah says:

    I\’ve always wondered what happens to the friends of a couple when that couple divorces. I mean, I\’ve seen it on T.V., but haven\’t had any experience with it in real life. 

  7. Unknown says:

    So sorry to hear of this!  Do they read your blog?  If not, maybe you could write this in a letter.  Sometimes that\’s easier than a phone call.  Take care! God bless 🙂

  8. Toni says:

    Aw, man. Maybe something even tougher than going through your own divorce is being in the middle of someone elses–as much as you want to help, it\’s smart to know that that place is not for you to be. I hope these people do get a chance to read this, or hear it maybe, and that things work out for the best on both sides. It takes a while, but they\’ll get there, and so will you.
     
    I hope you had a good holiday–I\’m sure everyone missed your blog and I\’m glad you\’ve decided to keep it up. It\’s inspiring, interesting…and for the life of me I still can\’t figure out why anyone would say anything negative to you about it.

  9. Kerri says:

    Divoce – such a generic name for such an ugly series of events.
     
    My co-worker just went through a divorce.  It was easy for me to pick sides.  I don\’t know his ex very well.  She had an affair, and moved out leaving him to raise their daughters.  I have a new prespective on the situation.  Don\’t get in the middle of it, but be there for those involved (especially any kids).  Just do nice things everyonce in awhile.  A nice little card.  A six-pack of beer.  A shoulder to cry on.  Free baby-sitting if they need a chance to meet and yell things out.  It is such a hard place to be.  I just wanted to cry for all of them, but I also prayed for them.

  10. K says:

    I hope the K\’s can work thru this and remain civil… but its inevitable that things will be forever changed.  Your honesty is wonderful here because some of us have felt like that but have been unable to articulate our thoughts the way you have.  Very admirable. 
     
    I do hope they read this and healing can start, where willing.  Be strong!
     
    Ciao bella,
    KC

  11. Becca says:

    Katy,
     
    Maybe it is good that you got it out on paper. Because you are right, you most likely can\’t say that to either of them. You weren\’t really on the inside of their marriage, so you don\’t know what was happening when their doors closed. I would say a prayer for both of them and be prepared to listen to one or both of them if either or both should turn to  you wanting an ear to listen to. You are a kind and decent friend and one to be cherished. Don\’t pull away from either of them because both of them still need you whether either actually realize it or not.
     
    Take care,
    becca

  12. siobhan says:

    That just blows when friends get divorced.  Take it from me, it is so hard to find a couple that you can do things with.  Robert and I never seem to be able to find one.  It seems like everyone we meet either wants to drink and gamble all the time, or they have a stick up their "you know what"   I can only imagine how hard it is to not take a side.  No matter what you do, you feel in the middle.
    I\’m glad that you are continuing to blog.  Yeah, it is too bad that the meanies find it necessary to be anonymous.  My opinion on that is……If you don\’t have the spine to let me know who you are, or to let me respond on your space, then stay the heck off of mine!!
    Good luck honey
    Siobhan

  13. Gina says:

    How do you feel now that you have all that down on paper.  Maybe after more thought, you will send it to the person…or maybe a call?

  14. Jaysey says:

    You know that quote at the top of your page?   I just watched the movie from which that came the other day.  And I was like, "Oh, wow!  That\’s where KM got that from!"  Just thought I\’d share that random tidmit with you!

  15. CJ says:

    That really is hard when you love them both.  You wrote this so eloquently perhaps you SHOULD put it in letter form and send a copy to each of them.  That way they both know you care and that you\’re hurting for them. 

  16. Sheryl-Ann says:

    Wow KM, this is so sad. Divorce is never an easy thing and being close to the two of them makes it really hard for you.  Mayb you should share these feelings openly with them, but I also understand the difficulty in doing it.  My prayers go out to you and to them.  Life can be so hard sometimes.

  17. Unknown says:

    Every time I see that word…"Divorce" that old song goes through my head, isn\’t that odd? (Random I know…but then that\’s SO me.)
     
    My best friend and I had a sort of falling out during my wedding, I\’m still smarting from it, we\’ve only spoken twice since then and I\’m still heart broken about it. I feel like I\’ve been through a sort of divorce with her. Heck, we used to talk every day and there was always some sort of "road trip" in the works to look forward to. Unfortunately our lives and relationships take odd turns, stops & even dead ends at times. Perhaps it\’s just up to us to notice when to yield and give the right-a-way…or to set up flares!
     
    love,
    Mercy
     
    ps: There was this time @ work after I was "showing" last month this lady wanted to rub my belly, she was even reaching out for it…I reached my hands out and said…"Can I rub yours first?" she freaked out…lol…you can use it if you like! Everyone in my office laughed their heads off!

  18. Tiffany says:

    Hey girl… I\’m sorry that you are having these thoughts and feelings right now.  Divorce is not easy and it\’s often an ugly word.  Maybe if they don\’t read your blog you could send them the letter you just wrote.  I think it\’s straight to the point of how you feel.  Hang in there… we are all here for you!  E-mail me if you need to talk!
     
    Tiffany

  19. Stacy says:

    How sad.  My SIL got divorced and it was very civil and everyone still gets along.  He still comes to all of the family events and everyone treats him as one of the family even the SIL.  On the other hand my BIL got divorced and at first everyone took her side and he was shunned (he had an affair).  But when a lot of other things came out, she had a lot to do with it also.  They don\’t really talk much and I haven\’t seen her in 3 years.  My BIL\’s new wife talks to her more than he does and she makes most of the arrangements for the daughter\’s visits.
     
    It is very hard to deal with.  The only advice I can give to you is to try and stay as nuetral as you can and let the cards fall as they may.  Sometimes divorcing couples don\’t realize that not only are they suffering, but all the friends and relatives need to grieve also.
     
    -S.

  20. Cindy says:

    As someone who is currently in the middle of a separation/divorce, I understand how difficult this is for you. It\’s been six months and I still haven\’t heard a word from some friends…and that really hurts! But, I also understand that no one really knows what to say in a situation like this.
    I don\’t want people to pick sides! I just want to be treated like the person I was before I announced that I wanted out of a very unhappy situation! I don\’t want to talk for hours about all the excruciating details – but it would be nice to be asked how I\’m doing, or how my kids are doing.
    I would suggest, like a few other people here, that you give them both a copy of this letter to let them know how you feel – that you want to stay out of the details, but you\’ll still be a friend.
    The circumstances of their lives may be changing, but they\’re still the same people you\’ve loved for this long…..

  21. Aimee says:

    ya that is a very hard thing…it was when my parents went through it…i am sorry that you have been stuck in the middle of this…
    :o) smiles are contagious…and free…as well as a great start to the new year…pass one to people that you love and those you don\’t…and soon everyone will be smiling… :o)

  22. g says:

    What a touching letter you have written.  Sounds like the four of you are close and you have a lot to deal with as they go through this.  I recently separated from my husband (for three months) and then again (for about 2 weeks) before realizing that I cannot find anyone better the my husband…who adores me.  Guess I was going through a midlife crisis or something.  Made him change his ways too. He is so much better and helps me so much more.  Good luck.

  23. Wahzat says:

    Honestly, this is a hard time and you end feeling like you have to choose and eventually you do choose one, because it is awkward to keep both.
     
    Sorry that you and your friends have to be going through this. Divorce is always so hard for everyone… even those you would least expect it to affect such as friends.
     
    And also eventually once you have sorted stuff out in your head and the reeling has subsided a bit you would be able to be there for your friend.
     
    Hope you, baby and hubbie have a great weekend.
     
    When does school start back for you?! Monday ? If Monday have a good time.

  24. Christine says:

    Wow.  Maybe you should send that letter.  It would at least let her know that you do care, but you don\’t want to "choose sides".  Having been through a divorce myself, I can tell you that there were people who I though would drop me like a hot potato and others who would stand by me and inevitably, I was wrong.  I am grateful, however that God in His providence gave me friends who were stong enough to help me through the most difficult time of my life.  I pray your friend has no children.  Divorce hurts children more than it hurts any one else, although everyone who "puts asunder what God has joined together" will have scars.  Lord, Help Katy as she deals with the pain that happens when friends divorce.  It is difficult to stand off to the side and worry about your friends and also wonder about the health of your friendships.  Provide strenght and hope where right now there appears to be none.  Amen.
     
     
    Christine

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