I know what it means. . .

What She Wore: gray yoga pants; white t-shirt; purple sweat shirt.  I’ve noticed that my outfits are cuter on the days I don’t blog–maybe I should start lying. 

Many pregnant women have what’s called nesting instinct where they prepare their home for the birth of a new baby.  This can take several different forms–I know one woman who was trying to assemble a bookcase days before her daughter was born.  Other women clean obsessively, fold clothes ad nauseam, or rearrange their closets. 

For me, it’s taken on it’s own form–I’m starting to wonder if this place is really home.  Yes, I live and work here–I put my head on the pillow every night.  But deep down I wonder if this is where I’m supposed to be. 

It’s the small things I spent a lifetime taking for granted that I want my child to have: to be wrapped in the loving embrace of a home full of relatives and food, to see the whole town turn purple and gold every Saturday in the fall, to believe that art, and music, religion and spirituality can all happily co-exist.  I want my children to expect Red Beans on Mondays, to have definite opinions on the Tigers, and to boogie to "They All Asked for You" in the streets during Mardi Gras.  In short, I want to them to know where they come from.  

Their roots are from a place that is hopelessly flawed, and yet beautiful.  A place with a culture and history rivaled by few American cities.  A place where a hole-in-the-wall restaurant may be the best place in town, and where celebrating is a way of life.  It’s not for everyone, but it was my home, my husband’s home, and home to generations before us.

I love my house here in AR, I love my job, and I love all the people I’ve met here.  I am acknowledging these feelings with a lot of guilt–there is nothing wrong with where I live now, and I know that I could be very happy here.  But home?  Real home?  I’m just not sure.


PS: Damn hormones–this one got me cryin’ on the keyboard.  If you don’t get the title to this one. . . here’s where it came from.


About takedeux

In one summer I had a baby who was hospitalized for five weeks, quit my job, and moved back to my hometown. This blog is about starting over.
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16 Responses to I know what it means. . .

  1. Brenda says:

    There\’s no better blog than one that comes with emotion… tears and all.  Big hugs to you in your non-nesting-wondering state.  ((hug))

  2. Becca says:

    It has to be hard when you want to be where your heart lies, but know that where ever you are there is your home, and your baby will know that. Many hugs, Becca.

  3. K says:

    I don\’t have any comforting words to share with you Katie… What does the hubby think?  Is there a remote possibility of going back to where your heart is?  I hope you feel a bit better… damn those hormones!!
    Ciao bella,

  4. Unknown says:

    I know what it means…
    Last night I was thinking of this cotton speghetti strap dress I used to wear out to the Quarter…and how I\’d still sweat even though it was hardly anything on…after dancing we\’d go to cafe du monde @ about 4am and blow powdered sugar off biegnets @ one another and joke about licking it off…after that we\’d head to the river walk to cool off and watch the sunrise…the callipoe on the river boat warming up near the aquarium to the americas…coffee with chicory…yum….crawfish boils!!!?!?!?!?! (wierd look @ this wiki on chicory http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicory those flowers exist here!!! I have a community coffee stash…shhhh)
    It\’s been below 0 all week here in Chicagoland…that dress seems a long way off…and so does New Orleans.
    love ya,

  5. WINDOW LIVE says:

    You are very right.  As much as I detested Louisivlle, I was glad I moved back and raised my children here.  They have had the best of both worlds.  I live 25 miles from the city limits so they have enjoyed living in a small town while being allowed to celebrate the Arts programs here and of course the Kentucky Derby.

  6. ncjenn2nd says:

    I like this post a lot.  I totally understand how you feel about where you live not being home.  I live in NC, but all of my family and friends are in MI.  That makes it really hard to imagine my staying here.  I want to find someone to fall in love with and marry, and have them want to live near my family so my kids can grow up with grandparents and snow and lakes and all the wonderful stuff that I had when I was growing up.  Way to go on getting your feelings out.

  7. Jaysey says:

    Your kids can still share many of those expereinces…it\’s not like they won\’t be taking trips to visit grandma and grandpa, right?  Plus, they\’ll have a whole slew of other fabulous Arkansas-related memories all their own. Wherever you live, they\’ll have those great kind of experiences because in childhood, everything is memorable and magical.  For them, home wil be where mom and dad are.

  8. CJ says:

    Strange thing hormones.  One day they\’ll have you feeling heartbroken and homesick, the next day life is wonderful and heavenly.  It\’s natural to want only the very best for your baby….it\’s what\’s going to make you an absolutely wonderful mother!  Wow, you\’ve been all over the place this week!  From politics to the classroom, to the homefront.  Wherever you are, memories will be created and there\’ll be a smattering of good and bad because that\’s simply how life is.  I can\’t get the image out of my  head of you throwing the baby up.  I have wayyyy to vivid of an imagination!  Out of the mouths of babes, eh? 

  9. Nadine says:

      It is hormones.
      But if you have the chance to go HOME, go! You mentioned that The Hub\’s commit was coming to an end maybe this is the chance to go home. I did it with my girls when I had the chance to do it and they loved it. To be with family, to be near where you grew up and to be comfortable with the traditions and culture that you love….it is the best feeling in the world. Sometimes it can also be smothering with all the family around and you get people meddlin\’ in your affairs and you are knee deep in their problems but isn\’t that what family is for? Yes your mother will drive you crazy but then again there is a built in babysitter that you can trust. There is good and bad.
     My family is 90 miles away and some days that is not far enough! Maine looks good! But I don\’t think I would have traded the time that I spent with them in my hometown being knee deep in all the hubbub for any amount of money.
     MrKaty, Do not take advantage of MzKaty\’s situation! It will come back to haunt you….TRUST ME!

  10. Unknown says:

    Glad you liked it!
    BTW I\’ve also noticed that when I get REAL drunk…no-one freaking knows what "Come on let\’s SECOND LINE!" means…*raising one eyebrow*…hehehe There I am dancing around w/ my white napkin in the air by myself, I know you\’d join me! LOL
    xoxo Mercy

  11. Nora says:

    I completely understand.  We are moving home.  I really want to visit NOLA.  I will someday. 

  12. Unknown says:

    I\’m not sure if I have any comforting words for you, but I do know that home is where you choose to make it.  Imagine all the wonderful memories you will create for your little one.  The traditions that you will have that will be new traditions and the traditions that are old that you will be incorporating into your life. 

  13. Antonella says:

    Those damned hormones!! I still have some left in me! Sometimes I just look at Dante and cry cuz I love him so much! Anyway, I felt the same way for a while. I kept thinking, but I don\’t want my son to grow up here, in this little, crappy apartment!! I want a nice house with a backyard he can play in with the kids from the block. I want him to be able to play baseball and soccer in the street with his friends. But he can\’t do that here!
    Although you may not feel really at home, your baby will be at home where ever you are, so where ever you are, you child will be at his or her home.
    PS- use some of the nesting energy to clean!!!! You\’ll be happy you did it later!

  14. Aimee says:

    sorry if i giggle a little…pregnancy hormones are never fun…but i am glad that you are feeling more comfortable in your home!!
    :o) smiles are contagious…so pass one to people that you love and those you don\’t…and soon everyone will be smiling… :o)

  15. Wahzat says:

    I so understand this, being a transplant from Trinidad and now living in Jamaica. At a point in my pregnancy I wanted to pack up and go \’home\’ even if it meant leaving hubbie behind. But my children have nurtured the roots and now I have roots in a different place that I too call \’home\’. It just may happen to you!
    I share a hug with you!!

  16. Gina says:

    Maybe a visit home is in order soon?  Home is where the heart is. And I think your child will feel at home as long as s/he is with mom and dad. 

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