Laying in on the Line

What She Wore: Jeans; black and white polka-dot, button-down shirt with a peter pan collar; black snow boots.

Having a child was not a decision that I took lightly–it was only after four years of marriage that I seriously began to consider it.  My fears about raising children always involved the child itself.  I’ve worked with at-risk teens for years now, and "children" always brought to mind snarly, damaged beings who shut their parents out and engage in self-destructive behaviors.  Even my adolescence–which I came through nicely–was filled with hard times.  My depression alone was something that I would never want to re-live, much less re-live it through my children. 

Despite all these misgivings, I began to realize that my house would not be a home without children.  The very soul of my idea of "family" included birthday parties, grandmas, slumber parties, and passing down recipes to the next generation.  And have you ever been in a room with a baby?  The whole room gravitates over to greet it.  There is something so magical about those creatures, and I knew that I wanted to experience them for myself. 

I meticulously planned for this decision.  Before I was trying to get pregnant, I read baby naming books and websites.  I read up on measures to take before conception.  I walked the aisles at Target, talked to mothers, planned nursury themes, and scrutinized the family budget to see if being a stay-at-home mom was an option.   

None of this planning prepared me for the reality that is pregnancy.  Suddenly, I feel very alone in my journey.  My husband is there every night, but he cannot feel this baby as it moves inside of me, and practices for life outside the womb.  I spent the first half of this pregnancy afraid that something would happen.  As I rapidly approach the point of viability, I am turning a corner–there will be a baby.  I will be a mother.  I realize how much faith I have put in my husband–the I do’s of marriage are nothing like the bond we will share with this baby.  We are forever joining ourselves together–whether we want that or not.  Even I, who loves my husband dearly, and who trusts him like no other, am struck by the gravity of this agreement.   People talk about walls–about putting them up to keep themselves safe in realtionships.  I guess even I had a few walls I couldn’t see. 

I don’t mean to make this about my marriage.  It’s really just about the hugeness of the whole thing.  They say your whole life will change–and I knew that it would–I just didn’t realize how deeply, and how far-reaching that change will be.  And the baby isn’t even here yet!  There’s a song we sing in church sometimes and the lyrics are like this: "When you and I embrace surrender. . you and I will see who we were meant to be."  I think it’s time.  I can’t plan it all, I can’t see the future.  I’ve laid it on the line;I hope it works out. 



About takedeux

In one summer I had a baby who was hospitalized for five weeks, quit my job, and moved back to my hometown. This blog is about starting over.
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10 Responses to Laying in on the Line

  1. -c says:

    The only thing I can think of to say is yes, it changes your life 100% instantly. You\’ll hold that precious little baby for hours at a time and wonder how something so absolutely perfect could come from you. It\’s breath-taking, terrifying and you and your husband will be in awe that you could actually love something so completely. It\’s indecribable.

  2. Wahzat says:

    Oh and it will work!!. Parent hood is an awesome experience. Holding \’your\’ child and being the only person that can soothe him/her is the most amazing feeling that you will ever have. And yes it changes your life. Now it is not only about you, but it is about this child that you need to protect and see grow to the best of his/her potential.
    Oh I could go on and on. It is great sharing in your pregnancy and seeing you embracing it and all that it will bring!!
    Have a great, great week!

  3. Tracy says:

    You know I don\’t have kids, so I don\’t really know anything about any of this, but from what I\’ve heard from others, this is totally normal — it\’s like you prepare and you think oh babies are cute, but there\’s so much that comes with it!!  I am sure you will be fine and you and the hub\’s bond will only grow with the addition!! My best friend is about to have her baby any day now, and it\’s crazy like wow it\’s actually going to be here soon, they have the diapers all set and everything! 

  4. Nadine says:

     Deep breath!! You are freakin\’ out!! Deep breath!!
     Men really miss out on the fun part of pregnancy.
     I liked the time that nobody but me could feel the baby. Greedy rather…all mine!!
     And Roy claims our car….not me!

  5. KEL says:

    Beautifully put.  Children change out lives, but I think the miracle that takes places not necessarily the ability to have children (although that is something of a feat in iteself), the leap of faith that we take when we begin on the journey of motherhood is what changes our life.  Some people were born to be mothers and some of us (myself included) work at it every day.  Being a mother helps us grow as a person, in our relationships and in life.  True you may have laid it all on the line, however with your hubby by your side, have faith that it will all turn out in the end….life is funny like that!

  6. KENT says:

    Hi,  I\’ll try for the mens perspective.  I know we can\’t know what it\’s like, but there are some wonderful things we can share.  I always liked the look of wonder or awe that was in my wifes countenence when she was pregnant.  The times we would put a cup on her buldging tummy so the baby could kick it off 🙂  There was nothing to compare to the first time we brought a little one home.  The awesome responsability that finally sunk in.  All of a sudden, we were there with our little one, without any doctors or nurses, just us as a little family.  Kind of scarey,  but totally wondeful.  My dad used to counsel couples before they married.  He would always tell them that the happiest day in their lives wasn\’t the day they got married, but the day they brought home a new baby.  He would tell them that they didn\’t divide the love they shared, but just added upon it, and that with each child,  the love was never divided, but added upon.
    Sure, there are gonna be days that it\’s hard and we don\’t know what to do.  (the little things don\’t come with owners manuals)   Life has it\’s struggles,  each child is different.   they feel the love we offer and they will eventually respond to it.  I\’m sure that this is true of you as  I read your blogs.  Your are truely a compassionate person   " it\’s a wonderful journey,  enjoy the ride  🙂  Kent

  7. Toni says:

    Everyday I feel this; some days it hits me harder than others–"I am the MOTHER of these children. The MOTHER. Wow." I think about what my own mom means to me, all the things she gave up, all the things she did…and would do again and again and again…it\’s like you said…
    overwhelming…and uplifting…babies…children…no one ever understands why it is that parents say "oh, you won\’t understand until you\’ve had kids…"
    I guess I can describe it this way: There\’s not many people I\’d take a bullet for…maybe my husband if I thought he wasn\’t capable of being nursed back to health after being shot…but my kids–I would do it in a heartbeat, without a second thought. I would do anything for them.
    You are already making an excellent mother. ~Toni

  8. Nora says:

    I remember being scared and excited those last few months before Z joined us.  Like you we had already been married for a while, five years.  I don\’t know if I considered how much it would change or affect our marriage.  It did, for a thousand reasons, some better, some not.  Of course the trick is just dealing with those changes, not letting them become mountains, no one can scale.  You will change, he will change and that bundle of joy will constantly change keeping you on your toes. I think your insight is wonderful, because you are aware of it and that alone will probably keep you on track.  On a more personal level, the challenge is dealing with your change.  You will morph from being Katie to mommy, and not to lose yourself in that.  Having that child for me was the most life changing thing I have ever done, and it has improved me tremedously. (and our marriage too)

  9. Unknown says:

    hey Teacher…when is the baby due?  i have 3….you\’ll do fine…i think you know that.  Baby\’s are tough on marriages.  You are kind of alone in terms of caring for and nurturing your baby.  You are the backbone on that front…and don\’t resent your hubby for it.  I saw it in my own marriage and i see it in others – gals starting to boss their hubby\’s around once they have a baby.  Do this, do that, get me this….just as a way of "evening the score".    I\’m not entirely sure what i mean by that.
    oh well.

  10. Aimee says:

    hey i am pretty scared too…and i am not even married yet…
    :o) smiles easy to give away they are free… :o) very contagious… :o) so pass one to anyone … :o) to people that you love… :o) and even to those you don\’t… :o) in no time the whole world will be smiling :o)

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