What She Wore: Black and white houndshooth blouse with short sleeve and a petite ruffle down the front (not like a pirate, I promise); black capris; black and white houndshooth flats.  The Hub took me out for a real dinner!  I got to wear adult clothes!  Alert the freakin’ media.

Tonight at dinner my fortune read, "try to channel excess energies into rejuvenation."
I couldn’t have put it better myself.
Somehow, I have to figure out this new direction that life has taken me.  I have to stop obsessing over Charlie’s development–whatever will be will be, as they say.  Stressing myself out over it will not change a thing.  I am doing everything I can to help him, and I have to give myself permission to accept that.  I have to allow myself to love my son without trying to "fix" him or worrying about what other people will think.
Objectively, I am very hopeful.  His limbs all move, he loves music and giggles at his daddy’s antics, he’s working very hard to get his head under control, and he’s an accompished thumb sucker.  He’s a little charmer who can have brain surgery and smile the next day.  He wows the nurses that work with him because of his laid-back demeanor, and, in my unbiased opinion, he’s a real cutie.
It can be hard to be objective, though.  Hard not to wish for a crystal ball that will show be the future.  Hard not to feel like I failed my child at the starting gate. 
And especially hard to know where I fit in now that I’ve shed my identity as "teacher."
I feel certain that I will figure it out, but it’s going to take some time.  As cliche as it sounds, I’m going to volunteer, try new recipes, decorate my new home (on a teeny budget), and try to figure out this new version of me–whoever that is.  I’m going to rejuvinate or maybe even re-invent the girl I used to know.  Wish me luck!
PS: Anyone else notice how Spaces now lets us inbed our photos?  I’ve been having a little too much fun with that feature. 

About takedeux

In one summer I had a baby who was hospitalized for five weeks, quit my job, and moved back to my hometown. This blog is about starting over.
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15 Responses to Demons

  1. Jaysey says:

    Good luck, girl!  You\’re a strong woman–I know you can do it!

  2. Joell says:

    Alert the media…I love it.
    I\’m not trying to be all religious and high and mighty on you, but there is a scripture that has helped me from time to time regarding the same issue (my special son) and many other issues…it goes "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"  Worry does nothing but suck the life out of you.  Life that you need to give to your hub and son…and use to "re-invent" Katy.  It is what it is.  AND you are still a teacher…to your most important student ever!
    You are doing great!!!!!

  3. KEL says:

    Awe, he is an adorable little "thumb sucker!"  Finding the "new" you (or better put a rejuvinated version of you) can be fun but is often much more work…who knows what you\’ll discover about yourself that you never knew before or perhaps what you\’ll remember about yourself that you had once forgotten!  Hang in there…life is full of suprises!~K

  4. Nadine says:

    OOOOhhhh look at how that baby looks at you!!!!
    ooooohhhh I want one!!!! Okay maybe best I not!!
     You will make it! I have faith in you and your hubby!!
    Charlie will overcome every hurdle placed in his way.

  5. Toni says:

    Have fun with this…it\’s by no means easy but you\’ll have plenty "worth it moments"…and it\’s so hard no to worry but you\’ll have so much more time and free mind space to enjoy your son as he is now at this age…honestly it\’s not often I see pictures of other people\’s babies and feel such a strong urge to cuddle that child…your Charlie definitely does the trick–he is so stinkin\’ cute, I can\’t get over how happy he looks!

  6. Honor says:

    I LOVE the embedded photos! I\’ve always wanted to do it, but was too cool/dumb/lazy to sign up for an image hosting service, so this totally rocks!
    While our circumstances are wildly different, I was in your unemployed shoes a few years ago. Until that time, I was working a full time+ job in addition to my mothering duties, and when I quit my job to stay home, i had no idea what I\’d do with myself. Now, going into my 4th year as a sahm, I\’ve finally got it figured out. I\’ll keep my fingers crossed you find your niche sooner than that, but the exciting part is that you get to decide how to spend your days (I spend mine in the school and lunching with hubby\’s grandmother (which includes helping her run her errands)). This is such a wonderful time – I hope you can enjoy every moment with Charlie.
    Have a wonderful week!

  7. Antonella says:

    Good luck Katy! I\’m sure the "new" you will be even better than the old one!
    Charlie really is aborable and you look great!! Charlie sounds like he\’s doing great.

  8. Aimee says:

    will have to try that new feature out….as for your boy…you are right…you will relax and progress with him as he grows…
    *~* :o) if you don\’t have a smile to give… :o) I will give you one of mine… :o) *~*

  9. Unknown says:

    You both look great!  Hang in there!God bless 🙂

  10. g says:

    Sounds like you have a plan.  That is the first step.

  11. Becca says:

    You are doing just fine, mom, just fine! One step at a time, and watch that little guy grow! Every moment with him is a teaching moment!

  12. Sarah says:

    I think Charlie\’s a cutie, too!

  13. Unknown says:

    He\’s looking @ you w/ such lovie eyes in that pic!!!!  What a strong kid, he must get it from his mother.It\’s been hard on me not being able to answer that question without a cowering feeling…"So, what do you do?"  I\’m getting better though.enjoy today,Mercy

  14. Tracy says:

    Awww, such a cute pic!!!  You have had many changes so it\’s totally expected that you are finding your new place/routine/etc.  Hang in there, you\’ll figure it out!

  15. Siobhan says:

    You\’ll always be a teacher, especially to little Charlie.  He looks awesome in spite of his recent hospital stays.  Sending warm, fuzzy wishes your way.

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